My man is amazing. A few months ago, however, I freaked out and broke up with him.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that I needed some time and space to work through some shit including fully owning my feminine energy in our relationship (which is entirely new to me – and pretty f’ing vulnerable and scary) and being able to speak my truth and ask for what I want.
Our personal and collective journeys of finding our own versions of the masculine and feminine energies have been nothing less than miraculous for our relationship.
This is the first time in my life that I have been able to surrender into the feminine energy and allow a man to take care of me.
A big piece of that for me is this man. He has demonstrated time and time again that he’s got my back and that he will take care of me.
I needed to show up differently, too. Backing off and softening my natural tendencies to control everything was necessary.
He needs to know that I respect him and trust his judgement – and I need to communicate that. He needs to know that I am deeply appreciative of him.
When done right, the dance between the masculine and the feminine energy is a sacred, beautiful experience for both people in the relationship.
I asked Scott to write an open letter to women to tell us what would help us in our relationships with men and understanding more about the masculine and the feminine. Here’s what he has to say.
I write this open letter to you as a friend – with a warm and open soul to your feminine greatness. While I don’t have grand authority to speak for all men, what I’m going to share here is pretty universal.
I am writing this letter to help you to understand a bit more about men, masculine energy and how we live to see you curl your beautiful lips up into a radiant smile.
We want to be your hero and I’m going to give you some insight on how to let us love and take care of you. We have your back and will be your King – if you let us.
By way of background, I’m a son of feminism. I was born in 1966 as strong women roamed the streets chanting “Women need men like a fish needs a bicycle” and burning their bras.
The era of Don Draper was over (much to the chagrin of those of us who’d absolutely love a snifter of brandy on our desks today). The era of the uber sensitive man was in and media was reflecting it.
As a kid, I loved MASH. Radar O’Reilly, Hot Lips Houlihan, and the new sensitive male hero of the ‘70s – Hawkeye Pierce. The man who answered the call of feminism. He dug deep into his feelings and showed the world a softer, gentler man. One willing to be openly vulnerable and non-stop verbal with his feelings. A man who could also cry and recognize the toughness of women around him.
And so it goes for boys of my time. Hawkeye Pierce was the first culture emblem showing us the “new man” of the 70’s. How men should be.
Throughout time it seems every song on radio jumped on the culture bandwagon whether sung by Madonna, Cyndi Lauper or Lady GaGa. Songs about tough, ballsy broads who didn’t need a man’s permission to be deliciously kooky or brazenly material.
And Cosmo. Oh dear God – there’s Cosmo. Helen Gurley Brown’s ode to women becoming independent, sassy, and man-free in the needs department. Sex? All you girl – get yours. You’re more important than him.
Every headline, every image we took in: empowerment, men and women are the same, women can take care of themselves.
So what am I saying to you and what’s the point?
It’s a mixed up, confusing relationship world out there for men right now.
We don’t know how to be masculine-energy men. We want to take care of you, provide for you and lead our families. There doesn’t seem to be receptivity for that though. We’re struggling.
This relationship culture of today probably isn’t working out so great for you either. And you just can’t understand why. You’ve tried so hard and given as much as you possibly can. So much so that now you’re pretty much resigned to the fact that you feel like you have to take care of everything. And you’re downright exhausted from trying to do it all.
Why are both of us suffering?
Every societal message we’ve gotten since our suffragette mothers roamed the picket lines of the 60’s has told men to become…women. And women to become….men.
Ladies, this has played hell in all of our love lives, relationships and families. If you’re struggling with love in this post-feminism age, maybe it’s because we’re all mind-fucked in this department and need to rise up to fix it.
See, you don’t want sensitive, needy men. You don’t. Sorry. You don’t want a sappy, teary man in touch with his feelings as his primary modality. You don’t want a weak man who you can run over and one who doesn’t seem to be capable of even half of what you are.
And you don’t want to be a ball buster who constantly has to make every decision and coordinate every logistic of life. You don’t. Sorry.
You and I have both been feeding from the trough of feminism’s false promises since the day we started watching MASH, reading Cosmo and listening to Madonna.
Now I’m not suggesting a return to Don Draper or the odious patriarchy or any such bygone relic where a labor economy meant men worked in steel mills and their women packed their lunch pails.
Nope, it’s a digital world now and you get to apply your natural brain assets to this modern economy just as much as I do. And get paid every single penny the same. No glass ceilings.
But there is something we need to go back to. And that’s why I’m writing you today.
We need to restore nature.
For the sake of our relationships with each other, our mutual happiness and for our sons and daughters. It’s no longer an option to obey the cultural messages run amok since the days of MASH.
What started out perfectly right, elevating a woman’s right to work and earn, has metastasized into a cancerous melanoma of forgotten masculinity, femininity and relationship grace.
Men don’t know how to “be” in a relationship with these new rules. With today’s world, who picks up the check? Who initiates the dates? Who follows up? Who earns the money? Who drives the car? Who initiates sex?
By today’s cultural math, we both (somehow) share these tasks.
It’s tough for men be told to treat you as an equal in the office and revert to genuine masculinity at home – but this is the world we live in and we gotta figure it out.
And it’s tough for you to operate in a competitive work environment during the day and surrender to your femininity at home – but this is the world we live in and you gotta figure it out.
Here’s the truth: you don’t want this ambivalent, androgynous, big puddle of gender goo energy in your relationships with men any more than I do.
It’s fucked up our natural plumb line of balance to the point we simply don’t know when to be masculine or when to be feminine.
And when we’re wrong, biology causes us to resent, even detest, each other. Be honest – that’s true isn’t it?
See, nature wants you to be feminine, open, soft, receptive, appreciative.
And nature wants me to be strong, fixed, solid, giving and protective.
It is a million year old universal force that we’ve only recently, the past half-century (seconds on the evolutionary clock), overturned and proclaimed “New Rules!”
I want to become a man again.
Not Don Draper, a charming relic of fedoras and misogyny, but a man who knows what a woman wants – and does it as part of his natural role. A man who drives the family. A man who makes decisions. A man who opens the doors and picks up the checks. A man who fulfills this innate masculine order issued by birth and the universe – an order that can not be overturned by mere half-century cultural say-so.
What do I want from you? I want you to surrender those tasks to me – willingly, happily, without bitterness or intrusion. I want you to un-do decades of cultural mythology that anything a man can do, a woman can do better.
I want you to behave as if we’re not at war with each other and that we’re a team. A system where my yin lovingly fits with your yang. Ever see that symbol fighting each other? No, they gently and perfectly fit together as we should. Remember, our love together is the “thing,” not some task we’re squabbling over.
I want you to be a feminine woman – so that I crave you every day – as nature intends.
I want you to be gracious, appreciative and respectful and, yes, deferential.
Allow me to be the man today and don’t emasculate me tomorrow because you would have done it differently. I may not get it right 100% of the time, but I can tell you that what you get out of letting me lead will outweigh my imperfections every time.
Ladies, this is not a call for your sublimation or weakness. This is not a conspiracy to restore the odious patriarchy. That ship has sailed and it’s never coming back to port (oh thank God!).
It is a clarion call for you to allow me to become a man again and for you to reap the benefits of that. To un-do the 50 years of sensitivity training and hollowing out of the strength-building toughness that makes us the protectors and caretakers you secretly long for.
It’s a call for you to surrender the masculine traits you’ve been told to cultivate and exhibit – back to me.
You know what? You’ll love it. It will feel….right.
You know what….I’ll love it. It will feel…right.
We won’t be mixing our energies together in some co-mingling of sameness masquerading as “equality.”
That sameness, like universal magnetic forces, repels away from each other. It does not attract.
Magnetism works when a positively charged magnet is near a negatively charged magnet. Opposite. Two positively or negatively charged magnets (i.e. “same”) = repel.
But repelling is exactly what we’re doing to each other every single day we’re in relationships with each other obeying 50 years of feminism’s warrior code of meeting in the foul-smelling middle ground of sameness.
Today, make me your man. Surrender to me.
And if I don’t exalt you, make you my queen, protect you, take care of you – then I don’t deserve you. Allow me to show the strength and vigor that real men are born to render. You don’t need to fight me. Instead work with me.
Thank you for listening. Much love, Scott